Znacie życiorys lorda Fagswicha III, earla Fuckingham?

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Sir Lord Sir Bolton Æthelred Nigel Barriston Fagswich III, Earl of Fuckingham, was born on April 1st, 1800, on his family's estate near Tweaking-on-Meth. His father, a distinguished cavalry officer and purse-snatcher, died a month later when his hangnail became infected with syphillis while he was fingering his favorite mistress, and so Bolton was knighted and proclaimed Lord Fuckingham at the tender age of one month.

His childhood was undistinguished, marked with the usual upper-class traits of private tutors, unearned titles, and long European tours through the aftermath of Napoleon's campaigns. At 17 years old, Lord Fuckingham was commissioned a Leftenent of the Tolkienshire Light Horse (the "Nigger-Beaters") and sent first to China. It was here that he was introduced both to brothels and opium, both of which became lifelong passions of his. It is estimated that he sired at least seven bastards with the whores of Hong Kong, which naturally earned him acclaim by his commanders.

The Nigger-Beaters were soon transferred to India where Lord Fuckingham saw his first battle against Nepalese rebels near Assam. Lord Fuckingham led his squadron gallantly from half a mile away using a complex system of signal mirrors and semaphore, claiming victory when the Nepalese fled after their magic protection against bullets proved faulty.

In India Lord Fuckingham was introduced and wed to Cordellia Cuntsworth, daughter of a very influential spice, tea, and tiger penis merchant of the Company. Their marriage was lauded for following the upper-class customs of mutual spousal hatred and murder attempts, earning them regular coverage in the police gazette.

Lord Fuckingham's time in India tested his committment to aristocratic traditions, as he found the brothels and women of said brothels repulsive and foul-smelling, but sired at least one known bastard in Calicut. Most of his service was spent ruthlessly crushing small rebellions and intaking normally lethal quantities of opium.

The Nigger-Beaters were deployed to China in 1839 for the 1st Opium War at the insistence of Lord Fuckingham, now it's commander by promotion and a series of tiger-related accidents befalling his superiors. His insistence came when he heard that the war involved opium, and he gave a three-hour speech about the dignity of the empire being at stake.

The Nigger-Beaters arrived at Shanghai just in time to counter a militia led by Chinese general Sum Dum Fuk. The Nigger-Beaters surprised the militia as they were enjoying a meal of rice and peasant flesh, and inflicted many casualties. Sum Dum Fuk himself died in the fighting, allegedly shot by his own troops. Lord Fuckingham was wounded here, cutting himself on a decorative sword as he was looting bodies for opium. When he came to Sum Dum Fuk's personal tent he took all of his concubines as war trophies.

During the Opium War Lord Fuckingham took his first official mistress, expected in Victorian society for any man of his stature. Alice Clitsham was the daughter of a missionary and rug salesman, barely wealthy enough to be noticed by him.

The Nigger-Beaters were redeployed to Crimea in 1854. Lord Fuckingham was given command of an entire army along with two French divisions commanded by General Dindeaux-Nauphin.

When word of three Russian armies marching upon Swimmingpol reached Lord Fuckingham he immediately marched his men to take up blocking positions, cleverly deploying his French divisions in an unsupported and very exposed location. They were quickly overwhelmed and killed to the very last man, lionized to this day by the French and mocked by the English.

As night fell and the troops took position for the next day's battle, Lord Fuckingham dined with v, as was tradition among aristocratic officers. The two men discussed the tactics they would use the next day, and then enjoyed opium together.

General Sunovavich then summoned a young serf from his troops and introduced Lord Fuckingham to the ancient tradition of Dedovshchina, which enthralled Lord Fuckingham. He thereafter decreed that all units under his command have a designated "Buggering Boy" of Irish or Welsh blood, unaware that such tradition had existed since 1690. When questioned of this ignorance, Lord Fuckingham replied "I never converse with any man beneath the rank of Leftenet."

The following day, June 20th, the Battle of Swimmingpol began. By now half of Lord Fuckingham's troops were sick with cholera, and the smell of the camp made him nostalgic for his early days in India. General Sunovavich deployed his miserable serf levees after giving them a rousing motivational speech: "The first man in line gets raped. The second man in line also gets raped."

The Russians surged forward against the entrenched British infantry. Col. Gallstone, sensing the fear in his men (69th Footfags) threatened that any cowards would be sent to colonize Slough. His men now emboldened, they withstood the first of 27 Russian waves. The city of Swimmingpol itself changed hands 11 times throughout the day.

Pressed for troops, Lord Fuckingham pulled his reserves and left his artillery unguarded on a small hill next to the combination field hospital/brothel/opium den. Russian cavalry made a wide sweep to assault the hill. In one of the most legendary feats of the Crimean War, three Scotsmen at the hospital, driven mad by a blend of cholera, mercury-based medicine, and laudnum, drew their dirks and cut a bloody path through the Cossacks, forcing a retreat. All three men were awarded the VC, VD, and BBC.

As night fell, General Sunovavich withdrew his army to entrench on high-ground farther north, specifically near Minsk, in what Russian officers still call a brilliant redeployment.

Lord Fuckingham was disheartened to find that Alice, his faithful mistress, was killed by a stray cannonball during the battle. As Victorian mores dictated that every aristocrat have at least one mistress at all times, he deployed his cavalry on scouting raids to locate a suitable candidate. During these raids, they achieved notable secondary objectives, such as cutting Russian supply lines and reporting enemy movements, accidentally winning the war for Britain. Finally, a nurse with sufficent credentials (money) was located, Sarah Brappersmith, and soon took up her duties. As MP Sir Nigel Soapscum famously stated: "England expects that every aristocrat shall do his duty and produce an unending stream of bastards, so that our solicitors and barristers shall remain gainfully employed with petty inheritance disputes."

As Crimea wound down, Fuckingham was sent to India to deal with the Sepoys. Arriving in Calcutta, he and his men were immediately sent to aid the besieged General Robert "Bob" Butthuffer in the town of Verypore. Bob Butthuffer was very hated by the Indians and numerous reports of him being captured circled through rebel camps, with everyone clamoring to see his body, dead or alive, such that "Show Bob!!!" had become a war cry of the Sepoys.

The relief expedition fought numerous skirmishes along the way, finally arriving at Verypore to find the garrison starving and the Sepoys gorging themselves on manure. In disgust, Lord Fuckingham ordered the massacre of every Indian in a five mile radius, an act which every British officer refused to condemn.

Lord Fuckingham met his end during the Sepoy Mutiny, when his private camp and casino was overrun by a rebel band. Lord Fuckingham himself was killed while furiously railing his mistress and wildly firing a newfangled Colt revolver at the Sepoys pouring into his tent. An aide-de-camp recalled how his scrotum and heead were both paraded to the rebel leader Saarjeet.

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